Lately I have been making myself so sad which I will talk about, but just a forewarning, very little of this post is going to make a lot of sense and it will be a huge amount of rambling, but I feel like I must talk about it because it's been weighing on my mind so much this week.
I have started reading a blog called The Spohrs are Multiplying. The blog itself isn't sad and neither are Heather or Mike (the blog authors). Heather and Mike had a daughter named Madeline who was born premature and had issues with her lungs and as such was on oxygen and had to do breathing treatments. She got sick in April of 2009 and her lungs couldn't take it any more. She passed away on April 7, 2009.
The Hubby's birthday is on April 7th-so while I was making The Hubby chocolate cupcakes with Zabba last year this family was experiencing the worst possbile thing on Earth. Just realizing that makes my skin break out with goose bumps and brings tears to my eyes and absolutely positively breaks my heart.
It also makes me ask myself...why them? It's so obvious how much they loved their little girl and what awesome parents they were to her which brings me to the thought that if they are such awesome parents and she was such a wonderful little girl and this horrible thing happened-who's to say that the same thing could happen to my family...to my little girl, my Zabba. These are thoughts that make me sad and keep me awake at night worrying.
It's not that I worry about Zabba being sick (which she's not) but I worry about my parenting skills and my ability to appreciate her personality, her unconditional love, her ability to push every.single.one.of.my.buttons.-am I being to strict with her, am I giving her enough space to become her own person, am I giving her too much space, am I spending enough quality time with her, should I stay home with her, should I continue working...and a multitude of other thoughts that just run through my mind because I realize that at any moment it can all just disapear...*poof*
Anyhow, I started reading the begining of their blog (as I usually do when I get into a new blog so I have reference points to current posts) and I have been reading about their joys and their heartaches and I can honestly say I am hooked, however, as I read about the worst possible thing that could ever happen to parents, I can only say that I am so sad. My heart aches for both Heather and Mike and little Maddie who struggled for so long and fought a fight that was so hard.
I can't imagine how those two people were able to live after going through something so horrific. All I do know is that my heart is broken for them and I wish I could do more to make their heartache less for their little girl that is gone but I can't. I can't do anything to take away the pain and the sorrow and the tears. I can do nothing to bring back their little girl and to give them the one thing they want more than anything in their life which is just one more minute with Maddie-I can't do it and I wish I could.
Well, there is more that I would like to say, but honestly I don't know how. Nor do I know how to end this blog post. I do have more to say on the matter, but I just can't seem to form the words that are swirling in my head about this, nor do I know why it is affecting me as much as it is. Maybe it's because I'm a mother and I can't imagine what life would be like without my very spirited, opinionated, stubborn and often sassy little girl.